She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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