I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
