Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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