The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
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