someone threw a dead crab at me
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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