Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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