I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Randomize
