I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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