Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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