Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'm too high and old for this...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
