I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
