I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
