I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
