Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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