cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
