he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
