Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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