wat bout pragnant strippers??
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
