Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
