You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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