you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
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When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
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thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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