1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I woke up under a house in Key West
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