Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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