whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Randomize
