Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
