the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
