just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
