Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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