Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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