I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
