You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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