Fine. I'll sleep in my office
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
