remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
