Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
