Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
you inspire me to be a worse person
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
