I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
