the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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