I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
