i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
