I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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