It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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