I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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