theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
