Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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