Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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