How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
