After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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