i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.