seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
The best revenge is premature balding
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.