is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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