I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
