i was rollin on her like bob the builder
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
