You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
