That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
