I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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