Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
