Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
