i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
