found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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