I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
